Torture Brendan Update

We are currently having an issue with our computer for the TV, which means I am unable to watch movies online currently. In the meantime, I had another torture idea and it involves Netflix. Suggest 1 star rated movies that are available on Netflix and that will be my torture until our computer issue is resolved.

So don’t be shy, suggest those movies, because I am running out of excuses to buy more beer.

-Brendan

Torture Brendan Episode X: Spring Breakers

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Released Date: March 22, 2013
Running Time: 94 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Stephanie Cardozo


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It’s been a while since I was a teen/early twenties.  I don’t seem to remember us being like the youths in this movie.  I really hope this is not what all you damn millennials are like.  But then again, you guys aren’t exactly proving me wrong.

This movie follows 4 chicks, who rob a chicken shack to pay for their spring break vacation.  If you think the premise for this movie is bad, wait until you see the execution of it.  The movie opens with typical bullshit music, and a collage of clips of spring breakers on the beach doing spring breaker shit.  Titties are popping out all over the place, chicks in bikinis, drinking, drugs, etc.  Only this generation can make a movie with that kind of opener suck ass.

So, we meet this group of college girls snorting blow, smoking weed, and drinking in a room, while discussing how much money they have saved for spring break.  Their tally is only a couple hundred dollars, between ALL FOUR OF THEM!  They’re bitching that they had been saving all year.  All while snorting blow.  Again, it’s been a while since I was in college, but I’m pretty sure their vices have gone way up in cost, even when adjusted for inflation, and that shit was expensive back in the day.  They rob a restaurant, and get a bunch of cash for their trip to Florida. If these chicks had just cut down on the blow, they might have saved enough to go to the Bahamas for spring break, but that’s none of my business.

Now they’re in Florida, doing the same thing they did back at their school.  I guess they just love the Florida heat and humidity.  The whole time I’m watching this montage of partying, All I can think of was, “where the fuck are the cops?” Just then, cue the cops.  They arrest the 4 girls and two creepy looking twins that look as if they could have been extras in “Deliverance”.  They have to pay a fine in order to get out of jail.  Being broke, and dumb as shit, they sat in a cell.  That is, of course, until bad boy “gangsta” rapper, Alien (played by James Franco) bails them out.  Has James Franco made a good movie yet?

From here, it’s a bunch of bullshit involving the girls leaving one by one, and shots of Franco with his cornrows and gangstalicious style and grillz all up in your face.  At one point, the girls messing around, put a gun in his mouth, and he pretended to suck it like a you know what.  Total what the fuck scene.  So they start robbing people as a team, working for Alien.  Then we see that Alien has beef with another local dealer, and shit gets real.  By “gets real”, I mean the most predictable boring bullshit ever.

They go to settle a score with the rival, and Alien gets killed.  So, the 2 remaining chicks, dressed like Pussy Riot, take out an entire security team and the rival dealer as well, armed with only 1 pistol each, and no additional magazines for their weapons.  And all with no firearms training.  It’s almost if the writer said, “OK, lets combine The Boondock Saints, and Fonzy jumping the shark.  Then, we’ll make it even shittier”.

THE FUCKING END.

Beers:🍺🍺🍺🍺

*Watch the torture below*

Torture Stephanie Special: Return of the Living Dead 2

Released Date: January 15, 1988
Running Time: 89 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Brendan O’Shea


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Torture Stephanie Episode I and hopefully the last.

For a nice little change and possible a break from the torture, Brendan decided to switch things up, without telling me, and he decided to create a special edition of Torture Stephanie. Instead of choosing from the “Hulk mug of torture”, Brendan picked my torture film and that was “Return of the Living Dead 2”. I know I’ll get some shit for this but damn that movie sucks major ass. Unlike Brendan, I don’t have a beer rating system because I just don’t like beer.

I like all types of movies and I don’t mind campy horror films, but this movie was just so stupidly annoying. The trio that consisted of Ed, Joey and Brenda was just so damn annoying and their acting was just terrible. Then you have the main character Billy, who literally looks and acts like the annoying son, Sam, from The Walking Dead. Last but not least, the “tough” bad kid is played by a ginger with braces? Come on! Really. The tough kid is a ginger with braces? HA!

I couldn’t handle the torture from this movie and apparently neither could my mind or body because after 45 mins I passed out. Therefore I am not sure how it ended and nor do I care to go back and finish it.

Kudos to my husband for creating his “Torture Brendan” segment because I am unsure of how he does it. Maybe the beers actually do help.

*watch the torture below*

Torture Brendan Episode IX: Cloud Atlas

Released Date: October 26, 2012
Running Time: 172 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Kristin Bettarelli Staudt


I could literally sum this movie up with one picture…

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Yes, an all star cast managed to make a film that begs the question, “What the fuck?”
The movie takes place of 5 or six time periods, with different stories, that are supposed to be connected to each other, somehow, in the most loose way possible.  We get it all, and by all, I mean, “What the fuck?”

I honestly can’t write a better review, because I looked up the synopsis on IMDB before, and still had no idea of what was going on.  All I can say, is I enjoyed Jupiter Ascending more.  That should give you a clue as to how bad this movie is.

Beers: 🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺… Beer way to hell 🔥

*watch the torture below*

 

Torture Brendan Episode VIII: Fantastic Four (2015)

 

Released Date: August 7, 2015
Running Time: 100 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Stephanie O’Shea


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I’ll go with the obvious, more like fantastic bore. Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse than Ben Affleck’s Daredevil, it did.

I would rather skip origin stories and go straight to bad ass plots and good fight scenes. This movie did the opposite. It drags you along for a lengthy time that feels as long as watching The Postman, then you get a 2 minute fight scene, then done.

Seriously, that’s it. Oh, and throw in the typical whiny millennial “oooh humans are a virus, bla bla bla”. Enough already. Damn I get it. But it cracks me up that Victor Von Doom goes on and on about it, all while heading this giant project that uses massive amounts of electricity,  petroleum based products, and mined minerals. I guess he hangs with DiCaprio on private jets and super yachts.

This movie would be the porn equivalent the classic pizza delivery guy theme. That is, if the pizza guy was a virgin, and they film him making the pizza, packaging it, the entire drive, then gets to the door, gets invited in, clothes come off, and he’s immediately done after 15 seconds. The end.

Beers: 🍺🍺🍺

*Watch the torture below*

Torture Brendan Episode VII: Mortdecai

Released Date: January 23, 2015
Running Time: 107 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Michael Cleary


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Mortdecai? More like Mortdekillmeplease. This is the story of Juggling angry Russians, the British Mi5, and an international terrorist, debonair art dealer and part time rogue Charlie Mortdecai races to recover a stolen painting rumored to contain a code that leads to lost Nazi gold. At least, that’s what IMDB says it is. In reality, it was another excuse for Johnny Depp to use another British Accent, and to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Just about every joke fell flat in this film. The worst joke of all, was Mortdecai’s wife being repulsed by his mustache. Seriously, to the point of gagging. Yup, that’s pretty much it. I tried so hard to laugh, I really did. But there was actually nothing to find even vaguely amusing. I mean, shit, Johnny Depp actually got paid for this movie. And he’ll continue to be offered rolls in film. I wish that I could show up for my shift, do a horrible job, and then get offered a raise.

If you love real “British” comedies, do not watch this movie. However, if you love Johnny Depp, you probably still shouldn’t watch this movie. I think maybe, only 0.000000000002% of people in the world have the sense of humor this movie was targeting. I had 4 beers during this, but I had the pint cans this time. So, that’s like 5 1/2 beers.

Beers: 🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺

*Witness the torture below*

 

 

Torture Brendan Episode VI: Gods and Monsters

Released Date: November 4, 1998
Running Time: 105 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Elizabeth A. Walk


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So, this movie is a little hard to trash, because of the “safe space” bubble we live in today.  I honestly think, they made this movie with the idea, “oh, it’s about a homosexual, so it’s automatically ultramodern.”

 Seriously, I expect more from gay Hollywood and Sir Magneto.  I really don’t know what I watched.  A gay has-been struggles with mental issues and befriends/stalks the beefcake landscaper.  That’s pretty much it.  Everything just seems so forced.  I use to live in a city with a huge gay population, and even they would find the main character a tad bit too gay and creepy.   

 Yes, I know it’s based on a true story.

 I really didn’t drink too much through this movie, mainly because I was battling the sleepiness that came over me while watching this slow slow slow film.  I highly recommend this film if you have insomnia. 

 Beers: 🍺🍺

 *Witness the torture below*