Torture Brendan Episode X: Spring Breakers


Released Date: March 22, 2013
Running Time: 94 Minutes
Movie Suggested By: Stephanie Cardozo


It’s been a while since I was a teen/early twenties.  I don’t seem to remember us being like the youths in this movie.  I really hope this is not what all you damn millennials are like.  But then again, you guys aren’t exactly proving me wrong.

This movie follows 4 chicks, who rob a chicken shack to pay for their spring break vacation.  If you think the premise for this movie is bad, wait until you see the execution of it.  The movie opens with typical bullshit music, and a collage of clips of spring breakers on the beach doing spring breaker shit.  Titties are popping out all over the place, chicks in bikinis, drinking, drugs, etc.  Only this generation can make a movie with that kind of opener suck ass.

So, we meet this group of college girls snorting blow, smoking weed, and drinking in a room, while discussing how much money they have saved for spring break.  Their tally is only a couple hundred dollars, between ALL FOUR OF THEM!  They’re bitching that they had been saving all year.  All while snorting blow.  Again, it’s been a while since I was in college, but I’m pretty sure their vices have gone way up in cost, even when adjusted for inflation, and that shit was expensive back in the day.  They rob a restaurant, and get a bunch of cash for their trip to Florida. If these chicks had just cut down on the blow, they might have saved enough to go to the Bahamas for spring break, but that’s none of my business.

Now they’re in Florida, doing the same thing they did back at their school.  I guess they just love the Florida heat and humidity.  The whole time I’m watching this montage of partying, All I can think of was, “where the fuck are the cops?” Just then, cue the cops.  They arrest the 4 girls and two creepy looking twins that look as if they could have been extras in “Deliverance”.  They have to pay a fine in order to get out of jail.  Being broke, and dumb as shit, they sat in a cell.  That is, of course, until bad boy “gangsta” rapper, Alien (played by James Franco) bails them out.  Has James Franco made a good movie yet?

From here, it’s a bunch of bullshit involving the girls leaving one by one, and shots of Franco with his cornrows and gangstalicious style and grillz all up in your face.  At one point, the girls messing around, put a gun in his mouth, and he pretended to suck it like a you know what.  Total what the fuck scene.  So they start robbing people as a team, working for Alien.  Then we see that Alien has beef with another local dealer, and shit gets real.  By “gets real”, I mean the most predictable boring bullshit ever.

They go to settle a score with the rival, and Alien gets killed.  So, the 2 remaining chicks, dressed like Pussy Riot, take out an entire security team and the rival dealer as well, armed with only 1 pistol each, and no additional magazines for their weapons.  And all with no firearms training.  It’s almost if the writer said, “OK, lets combine The Boondock Saints, and Fonzy jumping the shark.  Then, we’ll make it even shittier”.



*Watch the torture below*


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