Released Date: February 11, 2015
Running Time: 2 Hour 5 minutes
Movie Suggested By: Stephanie O’Shea
Fifty Shades of
I didn’t think it could get any shittier than Jupiter Ascending. I was wrong. The beauty of Jupiter Ascending was, I had no clue as to what was going on. With 50 Shades of Grey, I knew exactly what was happening, and wish I didn’t.
The movie starts with the most awkward of virgins, Anastasia, who was really only a virgin because the writers said so. She ends up having to do an interview with Christian Grey because her roommate is sick and can’t do it. I guess her roommate is some sort of journalism major. The list of questions her roommate gives her to ask is the only believable element to this movie, with the condition of the press these days.
He basically offers her a proposal to give her a car, helicopter ride, and a room for 3 days a week, to be his submissive fuck buddy. The contract doesn’t even get signed. How the fuck is he able to maintain his wealth, enough so to own and maintain his own helicopter, but can’t seal the deal with this wallflower? Seriously, it’s the equivalent of me calling AT&T, complaining that I don’t like their service, even though I don’t have their service, and then they respond by sending a contractor out to set me up with their service for a year free of charge. Then, I still claim I’m not sure, so they give me another year, for free, then buy me a 120 inch TV, Bose surround sound, and install a lazy boy chair. Keep doing that for a couple of years. How would they ever stay in business? Well, that’s all you’re left wondering in this movie, let alone the fucked up shit he’s gotten previous girls to do.
To top it all off, the movie’s ending is the bastard child of M. Night Shyamalan and George R. R. Martin on crack. It suckers you through, then gives you a middle finger colon exam. I would have felt more comfortable telling my friends that I watched a movie about a porn star banging koala bears and ferrets, than admitting I had seen 50 Shades of Grey in it’s entirety. I only drank 5 beers during this movie. Mainly due to the fact that I was busy giving serious thought about what music would be played at my funeral. Besides, I downed a few 24 ouncers while watching the Flyers secure a playoff position. Go Flyers! Fuck the Penguins! This movie sucked ass. The end.
*Witness the torture below*