Torture Brendan Episode 1: Jupiter Ascending

'Jupiter_Ascending'_Theatrical_Poster

Wow. This movie sucked ass. From start to finish, I had no idea what was going on. In a nutshell, from what I could gather, this is an intergalactic space opera in which Legolas, with the aid of his space wheelie shoes and futuristic Captain America shield, has to save his girlfriend from the clutches of Ashton Kutcher, while at the same time, battling it out with the sinister tranny Danish Girl. Believe me, my description of this movie is more coherent than the movie “plot”.

The film is all over the place. The only conclusion I could come up with, is that the actors in this film were out drinking with John Travolta and entered into a bet with him that they couldn’t make a terrible “Battlefield Earth” level movie and not ruin their careers. The Wachowski (sisters? WTF) have gone off the fucking deep end.

Congratulations Mike Kendall, you have tortured me, and I will hate you forever.

Now, where’s my beer?

*Witness the torture below*

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